Things I Learned from Dominick Dunne

I am sitting on the couch now watching a marathon of "Dominick Dunne: Power, Privilege, and Justice"--a true crime show that focuses on domestic murders that happen in wealthy American suburbs. I am not proud to admit this, but as I am sitting here watching I just can't hold my tongue any longer. Murderers are SO DUMB! Show after show, they keep making the same mistakes. The same ridiculous mistakes. Don't they ever watch 48 hours? Have they ever heard of Dateline NBC? Idiots. Seriously. Here is some advice for all you would-be criminals:

(1) If you are going to murder someone in your household, do not break the window from the inside and claim it was an intruder. (I swear that 50% of murderers get caught this way. The police are like, "ummm, if someone broke in, then why did the glass break out?")

(2) Do not buy the murder weapon at Home Depot. On the day of the crime. With your credit card. Also, sticking your hair up in a baseball cap to "hide" from the security cameras is not an effective strategy. Neither is leaving the itemized receipt listing rat poison and duct tape in the front seat of your car.

(3) Do not purchase a multi-million dollar life insurance policy on your victim the day before the murder. And if you somehow get away with this, wait a few years before using the dough. DO NOT drive to the funeral in a brand new Ferrari.

Okay. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I gotta get off of this couch.